1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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