the condom got lost in my hair
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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