btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
