But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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