Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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