so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We had sex on a dog bed..
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
