whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
