new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
