he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
