Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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