whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
