How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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