I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
