Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
