some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
