Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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