I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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