Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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