My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
