The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
