Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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