just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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