The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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