I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
