Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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