So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
