ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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