I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
