dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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