I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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