why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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