it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
