For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
