We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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