I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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