i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
