After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
