Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You can't motorboat a personality
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
