I can tuck mytits in my pants
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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