I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize