So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Randomize
