my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
