Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
