I heard we made out
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We need to get me chipped asap
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
