i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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