I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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