All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
