Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
