1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
