you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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