After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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