I could have mohawked her pubes.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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