Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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