do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
