did you get engaged???
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
